First day

So today is the first day of my 2-months internship. Can you believe that I'm preparing this blog entry in writing during office hours? That's because the IT department have yet to set up my computer and I have nothing to do but to read Times magazine. Which is entirely BORING. Definitely not Moonie reading material.

Then lunch time came and I must say I was put into the suspense into wondering whether anyone would invite me for lunch, or I'd end up being the pathetic freak of nature. Ok, a little too dramatic here. Well, unlike accounting firms, there are not many vacation trainees around and thus it would be hard to find lunch partners.

Fortunately, this cheery lady came over to invite me for lunch. That was instant relief.

What a small world this is. My lunch partner happens to know Yee Joo and my cousin. Such coincidence! Both of us were completely amazed by this.

Lunch ended and here I am sitting and writing again. It is only my first day and I'm already thinking, "Oops, I said the wrong thing again. Too much information." Yeah, I started my story-telling session about the golfer again. Maybe I am indeed in love with her.

And I kinda declared that I hate audit in front of an audit project manager. Apparently, she is here to help us with the FRS 139. So, like what the golfer said, it is indeed the topic of attention.

I am beginning to think that I am too naive for this world. Although I may not show it, I tend to believe that people that appear kind are kind. Most at least. Unless it's too obvious la. Therefore, I am never too careful against people in general.

And then I get to know them better, I start to believe that I know this person, and there is nothing I should be cautious with or feel insecure about. I just put myself out there, believing in the relationship I've established, giving my heart to the ones I call friends. And then I'd find myself betrayed, because suddenly I feel like I don't know this person anymore. I'd find words, actions I'd never thought they are capable of.

Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive, or perhaps no one is ever true enough to begin with.

Of course I have my dark sides as well. There were moments I was mean, ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish, boastful, egoistic, proud ... Most of the time I never stop to reflect on my own weaknesses but blame others for my pain and drown myself in self-pity.

I guess I'm saying I'm very much confused. I really don't know how to act. It's like my every actions are judged. Sometimes I act in ways which is not being myself so that others would like me more but instead I draw them even further. Yet at the same time I am afraid to be myself, because it is never good enough to me.

You know, the truth can be cruel but the fact that we are capable of lying makes the truth even more cruel.

I just wish I could one day be happy to be just me and wonder nothing else. That way, my senses would be clear to be opened to other things that matter in life.

Indeed I know that people who are happy and confident to be themselves exude an appealing air. You are just naturally drawn to them because they tend to be cheery, positive people. It feels nice to be around such people. But sometimes, you just cannot help but wonder.