Burst

Today, I had the worst control over my emotions. I don't know what got into me, neither do I know where did the courage came from.

Remember how I've always related about the Golfer ? Well, she's a lecturer in my university. I've never been a fan of hers. Long story short, she spends half the lectures bragging about herself and her teaching sucks. She is over-confident and never fails to bring us down. Always commenting about our English when she herself makes frequent grammar mistakes.

Yesterday, she threw a fit over how bad the results of the elections were. As if we are the only ones responsible for it. Ya I know she's disappointed and all but how does this relate to our syllabus ?

Today she threw another fit on us because we weren't able to answer simple accounting questions. She asked us: "What's wrong with you ? Tell me how can I help you ?" Some of my course mates related to her on the flaws of our education system. Indeed she was right to be disappointed, no arguments on that. But instead of throwing a fit each time we weren't able to answer and leaving the question unanswered, she could give us the answer or guide us through.

But no, very often, she would ask a question and when no one answers, she would just leave it as it is. And when she does answers, her answers are vague and all over the place, making it hard for us to grasp the gist of it.

And it was this moment that I decided to open my big, fat mouth. I wanted to relate this opinion to her in a nice way, but it came out bad. We started raising voices and before long, she decided to not teach us anymore. She called the Head of Department straight, asking for a meeting, right in front of the class.

Obviously, she wanted me to know the seriousness of the situation. And to show me I was no match to her. At that moment, I realized the impact of my actions. I had not only brought myself trouble, but also to the entire class.

Feeling guilty, I started to apologize. I told her it was me who said it, and that I should bear the consequences. I told her I could leave the class and join another, as long as she continued to teach. I didn't want to jeopardize my other classmates.

But to no avail.

As I continued my rounds of apologetic attempts, I saw the uglier side of the adult world. Such hypocrites we can be.

Some of my classmates said things like 'you are the best lecturer I've ever encountered'. When I can tell you with almost 100% certainty none of them felt so. But I don't blame them though, this is the reality of this world. One can never survive this world if he should be true to his feelings.

I was stupid, naive and irrational. I should have had better controls over my emotions. Guess I still have the 'child' within me. I should have known better.

Actually after the incident, I wasn't at all worried about what she could do to my degree. It would be much better to learn from another lecturer, and should she try anything funny, I could raise the loudest voice my university has ever heard. I believe I have the capabilities to do so should it come to that point.

But she wanted to quit the entire class, and that makes me feel so guilty. The whole class has to bear the consequences of my actions. How am I to face them in the future ?

I have never felt so insecure ever in my life. When I left the classroom, I couldn't lift my head to look at them. All I wanted to do was to find some place to hide. And that I did.

I could almost hear what they would speak behind my back.

Anyway, I gathered my courage and apologized in front of the class. Don't know whether it meant anything, but that was the only time I've ever put my ego so down in the depth.

But something pleasing happened though. A classmate of mine, a foreign student, came to me after class and told me it was okay, that some things I said are actually quite true. And that was the best comfort to me.

About the lecturer, my other classmates continued persuading her and she finally succumbed to the continuous pleas. Now the problem is, how should I face her next week ?