Letting go

Gee, 3rd post in a day. Yes, I know you are starting to get sick of me.

What to do, I have too many thoughts that I'd like to share with the cyberspace. You see, the problem with me is that I can never keep my thoughts to myself. I need to say it out loud so that I could stop thinking about it.

Well, today was not a happy day for me, which occurs almost everyday. As you may have already noticed, I'm extremely sensitive and I'm kinda pessimistic too, a trait I reckon I've inherited from my mom. (Shhh ... don't tell her alright, she hates it when I say that)

So whenever I'm moody, my head overflows with thoughts and I find it hard to focus. Even in class today, during Mr. Kambing's class, my favorite lecturer of the semester, I found myself drifting away with thoughts.

And now, my attempt to revise today's topic completely failed, as I can only read without understanding. Therefore, I decided to turn on the computer. But I've already read all the recent posts of the blogs I kept interest on. Desperate, I decided to stalk my sister's blog.

Reading her posts, I realized how much she has grown up. From the way she writes, I could see that she has certainly matured, and now has a mind of her own.

Recently, I have had heated arguments with her. She claims that I'm being a control-freak, that I'm being more like her mother than our mother. She also said that should she have an opportunity in the future, she'd rather not live with me.

This of course hurt my feelings. Because of all the things I did, it's because I care.

To illustrate,

I've noticed recently that her results were beyond satisfactory. When I question her about it, she claims that her lecturer says that it is only natural to perform badly in the tests given. But she will be taking her A-levels May this year, which is only about 2 months from now. This concerns me, as I am afraid that she is in denial. I'm worried that she would regret later, when it is already too late. Just like how badly I felt when it was time to take STPM.

Knowing how lazy I have been and still is, I don't want her to follow my footsteps. The feeling of never trying my best, of not being good enough and of being a failure haunts me everyday.

And then I see her spending her daytime either watching the television or sleeping or doing something other than studying. And she would study in the night, with music blasting in her ears. I mean, how is she supposed to pay attention ? And studying till almost dawn when she has classes the next day ? How to focus in class ?

I could almost see myself in her.

Thus, I became a nagging, controlsive and uncool sister.

But now I realized she is an adult now. That I should let her do what she thinks is right. Occasionally, I could advise her, but whether she is willing to accept it, I should leave it to her own judgment.

There was one thing she said to me that is very meaningful:

'You should not let your results define you'.

Sometimes I think that she may actually be more mature than I am.